On the surface, Julie is a sweet girl, and people who know her would say that she is nice to everyone and always ready to help others. But she is also very hard on herself to be perfect in what she puts her mind to. Her coworkers would say that she is the one most prepared for any meeting and always completes tasks ahead of time and with utmost quality. 

When we started the dom/sub relationship, she is happy to try things that I suggested. During the discussion of safe words, I noticed that she is not that engaged and asked: “Do YOU know how to uses these safe words ?”

“I understand what you said”, she looked up with eyes like lasers “I don’t think I will use it.”  She uttered it out in a low voice but I heard her.

I am not sure I heard her right and asked again. She is adamant that she will be able to go through the scene without using it. 

We have several sessions of impact play before. I can tell that she can feel every blow to her bottom because her breathing would change and tears wound run down her cheeks. She would be very quiet and sort of being with herself. It would be me who hesitate during the scene to check on her and make sure she is doing ok, but I sure would like to see her react more to my effort. 

I would like to see her yell out in pain, or beg for me to stop, or sob after a tough impact, or swear nonstop with every profane word known to mankind. But she stays pretty quiet throughout and not showing me many emotions. 

I was going to try to give her a more intense session after this discussion and that is the reason I brought up the use of safe-words. Her answers shocked me to the core. She is challenging herself to face whatever I can do to her and not back down or quit. 

In the past scenes, I was still trying to find Julie’s limits and took a lot of precautions for safety. I started the flogging with floggers that have lots of falls and hit her with light impact. After a few minutes of these, I would check with her to see if she is doing OK and take a short break. 

After the break, the intensity would go up but still not very hard for her to handle, I can see her skin warming up and turns pinkish. I would add a few harder hits here and there among the milder ones and she would flinch on the harder hits but said nothing. 

After the second break, I decided to hit much harder, I can see that this is getting her close to a break, tears swell in her eyes and she would allow a groan to escape from her now and then. I did not hit long after I started to notice changes in my thinking. 

I know about the Stanford Prison Experiment. In that study, even though volunteers are put into prisoner and guards positions at random, people started to act like their roles pretty quickly. As the prisoners became more dependent, the guards became more derisive towards them. They held the prisoners in contempt and let the prisoners know it. As the guards’ contempt for them grew, the prisoners became more submissive.

As a dom, I am trusted by my sub to have their safety and well-being at heart. But I did notice some times that I really wanted to hit them hard and let them have it. Sometimes, I feel like an animal inside me is waking up to be let free and it was going to take over me and make me do terrible things to my subs. 

In normal life, we have little opportunities to physically harm another person. But during impact play, when I tie down my sub when she is totally vulnerable and at my mercy, I could do a lot of damage if no one stopped me.

Julie felt very safe with me in the past. Before we started into BDSM, we had great sex. She is very sensitive. When I hug her and kiss her, or even touching her arms would make her want to do it. She even demanded that I stay away from her if I do not want to fuck right then and there. We could work together or chat for hours without incident. But the minute I started to touch her or tell her how I want to do her, she would feel her body react quickly and with force. It is like a little volcano inside her body always ready to erupt.